Again, huge thanks for taking the time to reply to this question and for your caring response. I was abused by my mother. Give it a try. Personal responsibility is the spark that allows "help" to help. She has also written fivecritically acclaimed, award-winning novels about life with mental health challenges. Misery-Maker 7: Comparing yourself to others. :). Happiness is inside you, or it does not exist at all. Mental health is not hard . I help deep thinking, heart-centered spirits find greater ease emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. Am I just completely misunderstanding? You can create an exercise program. She had nine children, didn't want them to be friends with each other or have outside friends, infantilized her adult children and held grudges against them for their whole lives concerning events from their adolescence. I am the original poster and I would like to thank everyone for responding. I had to change. You can pray for them to have it be gentle when they hit bottom, and for them to receive very clear direction when it happens. The stories you tell yourself can take on a life of their own, becoming an unending source of anger, self-pity, anxiety, or just plain misery. on 2023, March 4 from https://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/anxiety-schmanxiety/2016/05/big-cause-of-anxiety-responsibility-for-others-happiness. She is a wealth of knowledge and truly cares about helping people and empowering them to live life optimally. I was told that he's not responsible for my emotional reaction because he cannot help that I was hurt. I am hopefully starting a group therapy process soon, but would like to find something to support me along the way. I'm not sure though. How to stop the misery: Instead of putting yourself down for your mistakes and failures, make the conscious decision to grow from them. Consider the glass of water you drink first thing in the morning. Happy children are ones who feel safe to express themselves in healthy ways, whatever they might be thinking or feeling. SHE is the queen and should be chauffeured around, yada yada. I watched Queen Victoria's Children, in three parts, on Youtube. If you ever try to fix other peoples problems or make yourself responsible for their happiness, I hope the tips I offer in this post will help you to release that need. If only I had her looks! If only I had his personality! Social comparison is an unending source of misery for most of us, because there will always be someone who is more beautiful, funnier, wiser, or richer. So dont rob your partner of a chance to grow. You deserve to continue building a dynamic life with your husband and friends, and to develop your career. Skip to the front of the line by calling (888) 848-5724. I feel guilty when I set boundaries and try to live my best life. What would I do if she died? The way he reacted to me yesterday must mean that he doesnt really love me, despite what he says. If my boss fires me, Ill never be able to find another job and will end my life in dire poverty.. You feel you're responsible for your parents' marital conflicts. I feel this is unhealthy. Then we suffer if we cant. In closing, I offer this rephrasing: To each his own pain.. Its hard not feeling guilty when your mom makes you feel like a bad daughter for not including her in everything. Maybe your mother is like mine - I believe that either Narcissist or perhaps Borderline personality runs in her family, and being constantly on edge for keeping things going smoothly has worn me down. These are opportunities to pivot, to hit our knees and fully surrender. Everyone is responsible for their own happiness. Are they realistic? Moving myself is not an option and she's threatened suicide if I try to move her to a senior apartment or anywhere at all. You were NEVER responsible for your mom's happiness (or lack thereof). Youll naturally feel greater altruism, kindness, and compassion too. You feel its your fault when other people feel bad. I am also working with a therapist. You are not responsible for the way your partner feels. The books listed below helped me so much with what you are talking about. This does of course not help him nor me. Certainly, in any healthy relationship. When you take responsibility for everyone and everything, wittingly or unwittingly, you can throw yourself into a cycle of anxiety, stress, and sometimes depression as well. 37 Secrets to Habit Change Success. But as you change yourself and its hard in the beginning. She micromanaged their lives and even the lives of daughters-in-law, prescribing how many minutes they could go out driving. What beliefs feed that worry? See what you gain and what you lose from trusting in such a core belief. When someone is selfish, they care about themselves and don't have regard for others (this borders on narcissism, but narcissism involves other traits as well). Success is staying with them while they cry. You have to stop doing what you are doing that makes this her best option. As Lori Gordon writes, you might be a factor in their life that influences their experience, but you cannot take responsibility for their emotional happiness. How did it arrive in your hands? You're chosen a solid resource when it comes to CBT and working with a therapist can do wonders. 2. Others arent always happy because thats just the way life is. You are responsible for no onew happiness except your own. Once you cease to create your own suffering, you are more likely to live a good life, one in harmony with your deepest values and. We simply cannot be responsible for another's happiness. I like the way this idea is expressed in The Four Noble Truths of Buddhism. Another ingredient is patience, because the process takes time! Find her on her website, Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter. You may feel responsible for other people's happiness and/or health. I am now having anxiety attacks worrying about them an trying to figure out how to help them. Threatening suicide is "Emotional Blackmail." I'm Sandra Pawula - writer, mindfulness teacher and advocate of ease. Nor do you have any control over his job frustrations. The decisions you make today may be very different than the ones you made a decade ago due to the influence of your life experiences since then. Agree that there should be a whole body of literature on this, I was surprised when I struggled to find any! Thank you for a great article. I feel all their problems are because of me and I am worthless and cannot ever do anything to repay for what they are doing for me. Notice what makes you feel good about yourself. Once youve noticed your anxious thoughts, question them. You can't change them. People with emotional instability who were in therapy benefited the most, increasing their ability to handle stressors and reduce inner turmoil. I've personally wallowed in every one of the 10 Misery-Makers at some point in my life. Video here. Hi Maria, Validating an emotion doesn't mean that you agree with the other . It means you allow them to be where they are and you dont try to change them. We, my children and I, never, EVER do enough for her. He's had the shit end of the stick, lost his mum, dad and brother within a few years, was abused by his sister . It can sometimes be easier to start with behaviors/actions. As common as this is, there isn't a lot of literature dedicated specifically to this topic. Having a vivid imagination is such a wonderful thingexcept when it isnt. Get an easy-to-understand breakdown of services and fees. The idea is to use the letters in STOP to remind you how to STOP your own self-caused suffering: S = See what you are doing to yourself. Just recognizing that you are hurting yourself is a big step forward. It absolutely is possible to break this cycle later in life. She needs to go to the roots of her unhappiness and change her thinking. Wouldnt it be wonderful to live from love, compassion, and ease instead of beating yourself up every day? Eventually, they turn on you and make your life miserable, even cut it short. (A clue that youre doing this is neglecting your own needs and desires.) After a few years they began having a lot of arguments and I ended up getting pulled into the drama as a marriage counselor of sorts, trying to keep the peace. The relationship becomes toxic and we become sick from breathing in the fumes everyday. sidebar Her tongue, unfortunately, is still as sharp as a razor and the ugliest thing I've ever had the displeasure to witness. Answer: Dear Bewildered, I suggest you both read the Boundaries book by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. Keep an open mind. Dad proceeded to go downhill, falling & breaking his hip in 2014. My parents have lived in this small town for over 40 years and she has no friends (doesn't want any), no hobbies, no church or other group affiliation, no family, just me. Please don't give up! Maybe you'll find that you enjoy being in this relationship when you can be true to yourself, or maybe you'll discover that you want to live on your own again. This process can lead you to a more aware partnership, which is less reactive and symbiotic and more authentic and differentiated. Knowing what you value will help you build the most meaningful life possible. Mine will say she is going to jump out the window, and I'll remind her that wouldn't do the job b/c she lives on the ground floor of the building. Most of us have been taught that we are responsible for our loved ones feelingsthat we need to make sure they're not feeling sad or lonely. Youll feel immediate relief. And for the most powerful antidote to social comparison, try this: gratitude. You feel mortified when something goes wrong at work, even when it's a team effort. The other you simply cannot. It makes us tense, lacking in joy, and overcommitted, because we likely feel we need to fix everything as well. The material of this web site is provided for informational purposes only. Your mom is using it to control you and make you feel guilty for the way She is and for Her situation. I have zero control over his responses or mental health. Challenge your thoughts. I was finally able to BREATHE. @gabbybernstein #spiritjunkie #judgmentdetox, I told her, You cant be responsible for another persons happiness.. When talking, try sharing your pain, criticism, frustration, or even anger at your partner slowly, in small chunks, pausing to let it be absorbed and digested by your partner. Nope. Misery-Maker 2: Judging yourself in a harsh way. Feeling responsible for others' happiness is a complex relationship of interrelated thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. Have her committed for a 72 hour watch. Assael Romanelli, Ph.D., is a clinical social worker and a licensed couple and family therapist based in Israel. Some unhappiness and misery is inevitable. I include some resources around addiction recovery in this postand at the bottom of this post. Use your newly forming beliefs to shift your actions away from people-pleasing and more toward people-supporting (and you are a people to support, too). It can be very difficult when you're going through what you are going through. Examples: I must be a dumb person to have made that mistake. I guess Ill never do anything right. Im such a moron!. Misery-Maker 10: Thinking that you have to do it all yourself. Speaking up for ourselves is not only hard to do, but it tends to bring up a ton of emotional baggage from our past. I blog here. I have a "Debbie Downer" friend. I used to think that at some point my parents would wake up and realize what they had been doing to me. Old Medication, New Use: Can Prazosin Curb Drinking? But you are not the answer - with her personality and outlook on life, you could not make her happy so no point in futile trying. I'm not saying he needs to announce what happens to the world, but I don't feel that asking for some sort of closure can be asking too much. The more you repeat a new behavior, the more habitual it will become. She also felt inadequate because she couldnt solve her friends problems. Each person is responsible for his/her inner contentment and happiness. In the last year I have had many an some very serious reasons to worry about an try to help family members. Thich Nhat Hanh, The Heart of the Buddha's Teaching (1998), NY: Broadway Books. Their only income is SS and it goes to Medicaid. Could you STOP right now? Mom wants her room to be over 80 degrees most of the time. Having grown up in a family where it was ' my job' to keep my mother contented, I am finally calling her out on it. You depend on all sorts of causes and conditions, just like a tree depends on a seed, water, and nutrients to grow. Are you causing your own suffering? I've always been a people-pleaser, the mediator, the one in the room who tries to see it from the fringe perspective. My mental health novels, including one about severe anxiety, are here. In the last week or so I have begun to sound like a broken record because I just keep saying ' this is not my responsibility - it is yours.' That is unavoidable and natural. But almost all of us take responsibility for more than our part, though it may appear on a subtle or subconscious level: Thats a sign that we think we alone are responsible. But the truth is we cant control everything. There is a lot of suffering in life. A great time to do this is when youre feeling anxious and worried about someones mental state. We do everything we can think of to make sure others are happy. You have to keep strong and use this site to know that you are making boundaries and getting healthier for yourself. Remind them just to listen and let it land in their body. Oh my, your situation sounds a lot like mine. With time, such a process will slowly rewire your brain and help you internalize that you cannot prevent your partner from feeling pain. As long as she is safe and getting her medical and physical needs met, whatever else you offer her is your choice. You do . What do you have control over? How do you deal with a narcissistic mother? It's a great pleasure and happiness to feel their support, even if they are not near me. You couldnt survive a day if it werent for the kindness of others. Hi Todd. Understanding the complex, interdependent quality of our relationships with ourselves, others, and the world, can help you let go of feeling youre responsible for everyone and everything. I'm an only child, too (at 62 years old, for petesake), and my mother has made me the focus of her entire life, calling it 'love' and 'caring'. Instead of comparing yourself to those who are better off, make a downward comparison to those who are suffering more than you are. If they start getting reactive, defensive, or aggressive, take a breath and/or break. Remind your partner to hold on to themselves: They do not need to react to what you are sharing. AgingCare.com does not provide medical advice, diagnosis or treatment; or legal, or financial or any other professional services advice. Again, just notice thoughts to become more attuned to them. Don't even think about either outcome. You stop listening from a comfortable, open position because once you start hearing your partners pain, you immediately start thinking, What did I do this time? Its also an indicator of the way our moods can constantly be swinging up and down as externals change. Yes, I still feel responsible for my ex's happiness. He offers online individual, couple, and family therapy. Old Medication, New Use: Can Prazosin Curb Drinking? And I've found it is a mistake to "keep the peace" in someone else's marriage. I feel this is unhealthy. Sure, you can provide support and reassurance, but you can't take away the aging process. And, in the words of the Rolling Stones, you cant always get what you want. Give your mind a job. I am only 52, have a husband and a more-than-full-time job. And, in fact, trying to take on the responsibility of another person's happiness can hurt them in the long run and deprive them of miracles. Oh, now I see what I need to do in the future. Ill look at this as a challenge rather than as a problem. This self-talk will help you develop a growth mindset, to use the phrase of researcher Carol Dweck. What I wonder is if you know of any literature I could read to support me in making the small incremental changes you mention above? Getting to know her personally has been inspiring. Instead, commit to being fully responsible for yourselffor your own thoughts, words, and actions. Are your worries completely justified? One is an article on how to find mental health help, and the other is a list of hotline numbers. Children who. I understand feeling like you want to run away and feeling the weight of being responsible for your parent's happiness. At least that will help YOU deal with the guilt a bit more. Because you wrote MY story! You don't have to people-please and experience anxiety in order to care about your family. O = Brainstorm your Options and choose one to try.. In our sessions, we discovered that both of them shared the core belief that your pain = my fault. You might think this is only a problem for people with very low self-esteem. As a result I've always been a little extra "sensitive" to people's moods, and behaviors. How to Honor Your Feelings. Then tell them she can't live with you and she lives alone, this could be the trigger that gets her placed. This dynamic keeps the relationship poorly differentiated. You will discover a renewed appreciation toward your partner because they are willing and strong enough to meet you and your pain without reacting or crumbling. Letting go of over-responsibility will bring relief, acceptance and peace into your life. We were married for 18 years, together 25 but he was very depressive, quite angry sometimes and I got fed up walking on eggshells. The pressure to be responsible for my mother's happiness weighs heavily. He immediately said 8. I always have a dark cloud looming over my shoulder : ( When I was a teenager I suffered from depression. Keep in mind, this is all before they even turned 80, so not talking about super-aged here. I do what I can, in addition to taking her to doctors, paying all of her bills, orchestrating all of her care, etc etc etc, but in her mind, I don't spend enough time entertaining her, that's the issue. And she needs you! Such automatic reactivity keeps you in a symbiotic relationship, where both partners are wary of sharing the pain or burdening their partner, and ones difficulties are experienced as a huge emotional burden on the partner. Looking for suggestions. Get personalized guidance from a dedicated local advisor. She delivers workshops for all ages and provides online and in-person mental health education for youth. I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!! If she suicides, it will be her choice for which you are not responsible and you can make that clear to her. Mind if I turn up the heat? I need some alone time right now. Acting more assertive is thrilling, no matter how small the issue. Science and Behavior Books. Everyone has choices and your mom has choices. Take a deep breath and focus in on actions and activities that will improve your life. Sometimes, it may not feel this way because you often act out of habit and long-standingmental and emotional patterns. Only your mom can make herself happy. You deserve your own happy life! But if you decide to take full responsibility for yourself, you can learn to step back from these patterns and make happier and healthier choices. My mom will call me and say "Are you out with your FRIENDS? Feeling responsible for others happiness is a complex relationship of interrelated thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. After all, arent friends and loved ones supposed to support each other? Dad had 3 back-to-back car accidents and could no longer drive; mom, of course, refused to do the driving, why should she, after all? Of course, any kind of thought can arise in the mind, especially since youve been riding the same thought-trains for a long time. You feel ashamed or fearful when you make a mistake. Youre not to blame for everything, but you are responsible for yourself. Taking responsibility for others happiness causes anxiety. Just like you, others are subject to a complex set of causes and conditions so nothing is entirely their fault. Read more about escaping negative self-talk here: Heres an additional resource to further help you with your toxic guilt: https://www.just-me-i-am-me-mental-health-forum.com/post/7-ways-to-combat-toxic-self-talk-using-compassion, https://blog.iqmatrix.com/eliminate-guilt. For example, Whether I lose weight or not, I am a worthwhile person who deserves love. Practice self-compassionbe kind to yourself by softening your judgment and treating yourself like your own best friend. Misery-Maker 5: Blaming other people and situations for things you can control or passively accepting what you could change. Rich people in idillic enviable lives can be depressed, as proven by the not too unusual celebrity overdose or suicide. I'm a senior care specialist trained to match you with the care option that is best for you. 6. Mom, not so much. I'm a senior care specialist trained to match you with the care option that is best for you. Acceptance offers you this freedom. It might even feel selfish NOT to intervene and take care of things. I always have a dark cloud looming over my shoulder :( When I was a teenager I suffered from depression. For more guidance on what it truly means to accept and forgive, check out this blog post on forgiveness. Subscribe to Wild Arisings, twice monthly letters from the heart filled with insights, inspiration, and ideas that will help you connect with and live from your truest self. Its shocking how cruel we can be to ourselves. Best wishes! Responsibility allows you to create principles, morals and helps you to lead your life. You are not responsible for the way your partner feels. True, in some situations, like in your work life, you may often need to play a role to get by. I know one who takes her to appts but doesn't enjoy it. It can be humbling to realize youre not responsible for everything. Passionate marriage: Keeping love and intimacy alive in committed relationships. Someone had to make the pipes, didnt they? What is the one thing that bothers you the most about caregiving? (I've done this, too.) How to stop the misery: Replace negative self-talk with realistic and positive self-talk. Theres nothing as potentially life-changing as talking regularly with a good therapist who can help you solve problems, discover new perspectives, and grow. Whether you broke your partner's favorite pen, forgot an important. I took responsibility for everyone and everything for the better part of my lifeto my own detriment. I want to encourage you to really own that you are not here to deprive anyone of their bottom. People who are highly sensitive, caring individuals naturally want the people in their lives to be happy, to experience wellbeing.