If this is anxiety, OCD, or any other disorder then therapy for himself is absolutely necessary. And there does seem to be a fair amount of misbehavior discussed, but I have never seen any of it. But they are the obvious two and also both hot-button topics on this forum. Especially your point about this not being an issue of sides.. I suppose, trying to be as charitable as possible, I would agree that Vegas has kind of a skeezy reputation and I would prefer a reputable company to do the trip somewhere more wholesome. My husband has cheerfully seen me off to conferences in Vegas, Austin, Reno, San Diego, Milwaukee, and other cities. Its just such a common conference/trade show city! Huh. Just that it might be (MIGHT) an explanation. You have three options in how to proceed: (1) You could say no to the trip (a week off can be just impossible to coordinate these days! There is almost always an office, a security guard, etc. I just assumed hes lying about even asking anyone. Right? She then decided to keep the baby's gender a secret until it was born. Ill let my boss know that Ill need to leave work a bit early those days so I can get the kids from daycare., If it were my wife, my response would be Have fun Watch the lights in the sky to the north at night.,and Dont try to bet on 37 at roulette.. Ive pretty much given up on trips for fun. Im curious if your husband is perhaps someone who has never really traveled anywhere, and the whole prospect of travel gets his anxiety going? I think the conversation is worth having. He doesnt completely get it and I know hed rather I not go, but he definitely doesnt tell me I cant. It doesnt seem like he has much ability to manage his own emotionshes unloading them on you to manage insteadand thats a skill all adults should learn, I think. Long-term meds may not be right, and often take time to work out, but theres several near-instant calming agents available and they could be the best place to start if the Vegas trip is coming up soon. You know, because men never get kidnapped or roofied. But not the end of the world. Hang up the phone, turn it off, walk out of the room, leave the house and walk the dog or go for a drive, stop and get yourself a meal out somewhere. But, OP, please take a hard look at your husband and his normal conduct. Its you both versus these scenarios hes building, not you versus him and his mindset. Well discuss, compromise, agree to disagree, but I do NOT need permission. Your friend is a wise woman. Forbidding is a different story). Im just going to drop in some ideas and some strategies that have worked for me. And added to that: if the husband doesnt believe its his issue, hes not likely to be willing to do the work of finding a therapist and getting therapy. Everyone else said she deserved it! Ugh. You have obviously not spent much time in New York City. Last but not least, take some time for yourself. First, therapy is good, but medication is faster. I only think bad things with Vegas and wonder why its chosen for a business thing (LW never said conference, so I wonder if it was chosen for the fun too). it says they WOULD even let their significant others go, not wouldnt! You could be going to New Orleans for Mardi Gras and uh, yes, of course she can go away without me is still the correct answer. They dont have to go out of town to do it. And, if not, perhaps he and the OP should take a trip together there (not on one of her business trips). After the last Vegas conference 4 years ago, where more people got fired for misconduct than should have, my company has put a stop to holding regional or national conferences there. You bet a quarter, watch and yell at the fake horses running around in a circle, bet another quarter, repeat. Case in point: my father is terrified of everyone he loves dying and leaving him alone, to the point where I, as a 32 year old, was expected to text him and let him know when I left work, when I got home from work, if I was going out, if I was changing locations, etc. In no way am I saying if he does have anxiety its totally okay for him to be a controlling ass not at all. She doesnt like it when I had lied to her but its alright to lie to me and Im not welcome to come along and stay in a another hotel. I have informed him and he hasnt taken it very well. It probably wont improve the relationship to say this directly to him, but it is definitely something to keep in mind. In a healthy marriage, there is no spouse v. spouse, and theres room for career, hobbies, friends, etc. It can be challenging to know when to kind of cater to her anxiety (she is able to relax much better if I check the door locks before bed than if she does it, so I do it but never more than once a night), and when to decide that her worry about a particular issue has passed the point where I can be supportive and is just on her to manage (I refuse to provide reassurance for a 7th round of what if this offhand comment I made at work was overheard by the wrong person and totally misinterpreted and I get fired and then I cant find another job and then we lose the house?). The Rio does have huge rooms! Collect them from travel agents and show it to your husband, wife or partner. update: how can I turn down training requests from my clients? We get to decide what level of irrationality we are willing to handle in a relationship and if its based in fear and being used to limit who you want to be, that just doesnt work. I certainly didnt forget that, in case anybodys wondering. And Hunter Thompson and Oscar Acosta are dead anyway. I agree, the posting guidelines specifically ask that we not attempt to diagnose mental issues, it tends to devolve into discussions about theories of mental health and people sharing their mental health stories vs: helping the letter writers. seriously. Good luck, Emma. If it was possible to take him along I could see that potentially helping if the main issue is wrong information and assumptions. Not necessarily. Seriously, I grew up in Las Vegas. Me: What did you say? oh, and the dancing fountains at the Bellagio. Have never felt nervous yet. I lived in that neighborhood for five years, and was perfectly safe. Access to prostitutes, drugs, extramarital affairs, and excessive drinking and shenanigans is available pretty much in every town and city. Ultimately I did choose my career over my marriage and now Im in the the middle of a divorce because of it. Really? You obviously know this, and you know that your husband is being unreasonable, but your framing Do I do this to save my marriage? worries me, because it signals that you are in some sense accustomed to, or willing to seriously consider, accommodating your husbands irrational demands instead of advocating for your own needs. So yeah somethings just not right. Yeah, there are definitely shady parts of Vegas, in the same way are in almost every city. I'm kind of dreading it because my infant hates the car and my 2 year old is not the sitting type. Las Vegas facilities can serve dinner to 5000+ people in less than 30 minutes without breaking a sweat. Both of us are fairly standard issue normative American. I guarantee if my partner surveyed their friends they would all tell them that they are being ridiculous to even question letting (ha!) Just a quick note to say can people please stop calling it abuse and then recommending marriage counselling in the same breath. I certainly didnt want to give that impression! In this case, it sounds like OP is bearing the brunt of the disagreement and shes doing the lions share of being patient and accommodating the husband hes not doing much work to accommodate her needs. No. 8 1 11 1. I work for a global health organization. I suspect that he says that because he can frame it as Im only concerned for YOUR safety, rather than When you go to Las Vegas, I feel like I am not in control of you, and that makes me unhappy. I bet he doesnt even really think you will cheatits about knowing that you COULD and he wouldnt see and couldnt do anything about it. Someone this uptight probably doesnt have friends. While I was away, he made me upset the whole time with his anxiety of what-ifs and what-nots. Its not some ridiculous naked sex drug party. I cannot stress how much this letter pisses me off. And if you go to Roppongi or Kabuki-cho and get wasted at a sketchy bar, then yeah, turns out you have greatly increased the odds that someone will steal your wallet. Has he ever left the house? Since its the church he was raised in, she feels like his judgement rules on that. If this were my husband, Id point out that Im statistically more likely to be murdered by him than by a stranger, therefore its probably safer to be in Vegas than at home. However, Im not sure if this is the crux of the LWs issue since her husband clearly said that he has a problem with the what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas mentality. Absolutely. Sure, anxiety may be amplifying his concerns, but anxiety doesnt make a respectful, supportive, loving spouse demand that their wife refuse to attend a business trip. OK! Also, thanks to Zappos, downtown is being rejuvenated as an artsy community of sorts, with galleries, boutiques and yes hipstery eateries. My *70 year-old* cousins house. Youve put your finger on one of the things bugging me most about this: the idea that the LW has no agency. The best way to stay up-to-date would be to regularly check the Official Disney Parks Blog . Yeah, my husband takes business trips to Vegas multiple times a year. My husband used to be pretty bad about my work trips, too. Having just returned from an exhausting but informative 3-day event in Las Vegas let me assure you when youre at the conference center/hotels there is security up the wahzoo and those folks are awesome. Close Menu. (Of course, I live in New Orleans, where we do not need to seek out extra liveliness.) He says he has asked other people about the situation and everyone objects that they would even let their significant other go. Business trips for him are salt in a wound, Im guessing. In NYC? I remember being like, What would I even DO with all this space? ha! There are some cultures where marriage is really about the blending of two families. When all youre seeing is airports, shuttle buses, the hotel, and a conference room, everything kind of looks the same. But if not, why would you stay with this. Note to the Las Vegas Convention and Visitors Bureau. This feels partly like a reputation versus reality thing, like New York City a decade or so back, when I kept telling people to stop worrying about crime when they were planning a visit to the safest large city in the country. Bartending is legitimate work too. Im going to start with a description, because people often ignore this anxiety is a horrible physical and mental state to be in. OP, I believe that professional help figuring out what exactly is going on (including ruling in or ruling out a medical cause like primary anxiety or OCD) and getting professional treatment based on that, is the best first step for you here. Dont! If hes of the mind that the husband should be the breadwinner then it sounds like insecurity about his own career. If he refuses to go, go alone. Yeah you can get into some crazy stuff there for sure, but lots of people bring their small children to Vegas for vacation too (which bugs me somewhat but hey whatever). He even did it the one time I was staying *in a convent*. I care about your son's emotional health, the emotional damage he will suffer, when this emotional abuser of an ex tells his lies about you. Im pretty sure most religious counselors would see the ridiculousness of his position too. Its a him issue. Actually if you go off the Strip theres quite a few things to see and do around Vegas (also non-gambler here), desert hikes, assorted museums (notably neon art & the mob), and my personal favorite the Pinball Hall of Fame which has 100+ playable pinball machines (old and new). At the time, we had 3 kids and they were around 5, 3, and 18 months. For example, my wife likes to go for walks, and sometimes takes a scenic route while enjoying herself outside (She loves hiking and exploring in nature). If his anxiety is more travel related than trust related, there may besome reasonable actions you can take together to smooth them out. If my husband were on a trip to Vegas, Id be fine with it, but if he were going with his coworker, Id probably want to tag along. Even if he does have some kind of anxiety disorder, he needs to recognize that this behavior isnt reasonable in a relationship, and marriage counseling is a great way to work out problems in a relationship. And if you dont trust your spouse, why would you want to remain married to them? Even with the additional information. This is CONTROLLING and MANIPULATIVE behaviour. You get attention, you often get attempts at comfort, sometimes you get a hug; these are all rewarding. Go on the trip. how do I get out of an active-shooter drill at my office? 2 junio, 2022; google load balancer path prefix rewrite; how much does it cost to join peninsula yacht club . At tax time we make about the same but for my emergency calls its hard to keep up. We would stop when we needed gas or a bathroom break but usually wouldn't be stopped for more than 15 min or so. It could be, but its tougher to stay up all night gambling and partying in the middle of the week in NY or SF. Though those are also the traditional bogeymen for women out on their own, as evidenced by the many people talking about their mothers fears. Not because marriage counseling is likely to stop the abuse you are right, it wont. A Crappy Vacation Told Me My Marriage Was Really Over. I agree. Ive actually been there and I agree its overplayed and that corporate concerns are more about flights and conference rooms but its weird to act like youve never heard this stereotype. Where I live, they would agree with the husbands position. This is so far outside of normal that if I were in your shoes OP, I would be socking money away so that I could leave him, unless theres something youre not telling us that could possibly justify how he treats you. Im also someone that really tries to give the benefit of the doubt though. You can find prostitution and gambling in lots of cities, large and small, if youre looking for temptation. And when he would occasionally go to conferences for work, she trusted him as well. Dont try totalk yourself into thinking that itdoesnt matter orthat they didnt mean anything byit. So, OP, if you take nothing else away from this comment chain, hopefully you at least get some calibration to your is-it-weird-o-meter. And even if you werent going to your cousins house! I think she was happier than I was when I got married because, in her words Mr. I can fold laundry and watch chick flicks and read novels in the tub after the kids go to bed, He says he has asked other people about the situation and everyone objects that they would even let their significant other go.. Congratulations! We of course send the Im here texts and goodnight and such. Ignore your phone for the rest of the trip, do not let him pester you or hog time soothing him when you should be doing work stuff. I have a 3 yr old, almost 2 yr old, and 2 month old. My then-husband and I spent three days in Vegas with two other couples, and the most sinful thing we did was see a strip show that our group leader had accidentally bought us all tickets to. But I believe that talking it out in clear terms is step one, at least. He needs to get over this, though if for no other reason than the financial security of the family. Adifficult orstressful situation with in-laws can cause undue stress and anxiety, making you feel rejected and undervalued. Yes, we were taking advantage of the fact that 19/20 year olds can go to the pub in the UK, but we were still hanging out with the professor while we did so.